only just

fifty things i am happy about
wait no
fifity things i am grateful for
nono fifty things that are good in my life
health
kids
mike
house
beach
painting
writing
music
sewing
no no these are dumb things
these are not good enough
not specific
my camera
my computer
too shallow too trivial
nice pens
arg how stupid
brown ink..
fabric. yarn .sheep godammit!
things of the earth things like stars my sight my vision my intelligence
my compassion
no no
not fifty things about yourself you idiot
well what then what am i supposed to be grateful for
my family(in case they are reading this)
my survival (inspite of the fact that they are probably not)
my talent
why is this always about you? it is my effing list shaddup shaddup shaddup
resilience bouncbakability
humor humor humor me
sex with mike
laughing with mike
driving places with mike
shopping at waldbaums with mike
deep tissue massage by mike
mike mike mike
internet
friends around the world and art
and my art
someone elses’s art
art
my spirit and my art
beauty in things that are still and understanding they are never static
remembering the lyrics to songs from thirty years ago and longer
Katy told me she remember’s me singing you are my sunshine to her and I remember that from my mother
and itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini and joni mitichell
yes joni mitchell who says she is the last century’s best poet and she may be right
being able to see the good in most things and trying even if I can’t see it believing it still may be there
Jen
alex
katy
bailey
and now jason too embraced by marriage to jen
and books, the books that i loved and the books that inspired and educated me and the ones that i couldnt bear and couldnt bear to put down
and Orion and the Seven Sisters
and the big dipper that means north
and vermont
also north
and poetry that resonates throughout the ages
and my language
that connects me to it and comes through me connecting me to it
and Bailey dancing and getting dizzy and Alex writng to me that I am a great mother and Katy who keeps getting up and Jen who keeps loving us even though she deeply feels all of our imperfections
and London
and Glasgow and Edinborough
and Betty who said right here right now and her adoring husband, Uncle Pat who said I know why I like you, you are a poor kid from the streets, like me
like me he said
and Else who keeps making us casseroles and Lydia and Erica who are growing up too fast, who still in this season are trying to learn somersaults and who know how to talk on the phone now
and quilts which I have made for all my life and will keep making to comfort me and if they can also comfort others then so be it and clothes to give me armor and illusion and fantasy of another time and other possibilties-clothes are very powerful you know.
and the sweater that was knitted and the one I will unknit and remake for a new daughter and she will not know it was from then, not knowing herself what then was before she was born but knowing as we all know without knowing
and inspired food
a fire in a fireplace
or the memory of one in Upwey, in 1971-is that specific enough or too specific?
and the seventies those most defining and uproarious years that did allow me to escape from my dubious beginnings, and did scar me too in that re birth
o this has turned into some list of things and only just scratched the surface
only just