Thursday, June 20, 2013

word of the day is tethered 

tethered to this raucous raging rioting ball of earth
screaming soundlessly through the universe
sound less in the larger sense of the word,
but sound is its own unique energy
even tho it cannot be heard 
in space

I read Adrienne Rich’s obit today in the times
she was my hands down favorite poet 
who taught me how to love words
love poems
who taught me that poems do not have to be sparse and bloodless
ancient and sacred and soundless

my father is dying and I have not written of it
I consider how when one loses a parent 
at no other time is one more of a child
except than in childhood
but in childhood we are not self aware
we do not walk around thinking this is how a child feels
this is how a child perceives the world
when a parent dies, one is keenly aware of one’s core
howling in grief.
confused and vulnerable and alone. 
for there is no longer that parent with whom to dialog. 
I use the correct grammatical structure for 
my father, the professor, who would appreciate it. 
although he no longer hears me. 

how does one reconcile this loss
this new category of loss
is it a new loss 
another acceptance, another resignation ( the hebrew meaning of my name is resignation)
is it connected to all of the other less evitable losses.
can it  be reconciled with out ever reconciling those earlier
willful or indifferent losses

must they all be categorized and counted and itemized and pondered and spoken and witnessed and forgiven and forgiven and forgiven
or do they simply become part of the fabric that we wrap ourselves in
part smoke and desire, part addiction and more or less the scar tissue of 
unspoken woundings, the warp and weft of collusion and collision
and some accidents are beautiful 
and some are too painful to navigate alone

or can we build our own new boats and travel across soundless space
to gain a new understanding, 
where words are remembered as the rustle  of leaves
and prayers are faithful  ambassadors pulling on the oars

these things I consider as I pull into traffic to drive my child to school, as I try to remember how to operate the new coffee pot,
as I think about the sequence of events that must occur to get me out of the house and to work, dress, train ticket , wallet, book, phone, sneakers, food, money, time;
all  mundane earthly needs, that I add to the equation

as I plot the course of my escape 
from this planet of toil and cacophony 
to which I am still inexplicably tethered.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hang on, friend.