I have fears about not being able to replace fabric. It causes me to hesitate before cutting a piece of beautiful material, cut into my stash. It causes me to buy when I know I have enough. It is not a good feeling. So I am somewhat stuck. I noticed it today when I was making a drawing for a journal quilt and I thought about using some beautiful hand dyed fabric I have and I noticed my sense of loss when thinking of using this fabric. Once it is used, it is gone and the dreams are gone,the dreams of the other things I can do with it and the anxiety about not being able to replace it because yes in order to feel safe I do need a my art, and my means to create it. I guess that is the bane of the quilter/artist. I do experience these pangs when using all art supplies, not about food or money or clothes, but beautiful supplies.Fabric thread paint cancvas pastels pencils clay
So it is now that I have to fall into to my faith and trust that the great provider will continue to give me what I need. I used to feel like these things-beauty, color, art, quilts, a studio, were superfluous. But now I understand that these fabrics and paints and threads, pencils and paper, are necessary for me to feel happy and purposeful.It does the world no good for me to be miserable. I used to think my need to create was a less than important purpose. I did not have fame or a following. I had made no lasting impression in the world. I was, therefore, not important.
I look at the sky and I think God is a wonderful painter and creator and it is not wrong or shallow to want to create beautiful things like God does. It is not wrong to want to be like God.
Somewhere in my life someone put terrible wrong ideas in my mind-that it is virtuous to live in lack, morally shallow to make pretty things and now it is part of my journey to have to take back my voice and my ownership and be a co creator with God.